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"bad people know they are bad people, but cannot change no matter what they try." you poor, unfortunate soul. how many times have you convinced yourself that you don't deserve love, care? when it's so painfully clear that they do, you do anything in your power to try to find an alternative motive for them staying with you, because your mind can't comprehend the guilt you'd feel after realizing what you've done. how many times have you cried yourself to sleep at night, your smile dropping the minute you leave? you don't know why you're living anymore- you might not necessarily want to die, but you surely don't have a reason to live. you must ask yourself why you're still going, why you haven't departed from this hollow world. after all, being alive is such a pain, but you're still here. there must be something keeping you here, but what? this world merely feels like a stage for you to act upon, and everyone around you are fools that you must convince. feeling 'human' is a foreign subject to you. you feel like you're witnessing everything go down in third-person, acting like whatever those who hold you dear want from you. since you feel like a 'thing', you believe you don't deserve to live, either. yet you are still here, living. what sort of pathetic thing is still in this world, leeching off the care of others? in the very least, that's what you ask yourself at night. you are tired of life. all you need is a reason, a reason to keep going, because you feel like you're about to give up very, very soon. i know you're going to try to laugh off this result, you manipulative bastard. you know you are, too. "what an awful person you must be", but nobody is ever completely bad. humor is your coping mechanism, because it's so much easier to laugh and pretend like everything's okay rather than facing the painful void and turmoil of emotions inside your chest. you know you'll have to confront them at some point. you have grown up too fast, you have been told that you act mature for your age, yet you still fear growing older. there's a good chance you'll start acting like a little kid once you're an adult- or are you still immature, childish, and belittled for acting your age? if you have grown up too fast, the people you consider immature are just enjoying the childhood you never had, and you envy them for it. you automatically panic when people show genuine care. you have deceived them into feeling this way. will they hate you for it? or will they not care? why? there is nothing wrong with your friends, but there is something wrong with you- that is what you convinced yourself of, right? it's not their fault that you're ghosting them. you're just tired. you are so utterly empty and hollow to the point where it's laughable- you can't feel joy, and you can't feel sadness either. that's not how a human being is supposed to function, right? you hate yourself for it. all you want is an escape from the void- your true identity is messily placed together from others, and when people get to see the 'real you'... well, even you aren't sure what the 'real you' is. how will they? we all know that smile drops once you're alone. you hate apathy, but it's all you can feel- oh, and remember that nothing good can last forever. then again, you know that better than anyone, don't you? i hope you find/have found your chuuya kinnie !! and if you do, give them a hug, won't you?